Focus Envy

I’m jealous of people who seem to be able to finish things.

Lately my focus is strange…it seems to wander and appear in little puffs, instead of periods of any sustained presence, which is tricky! If I’m not doing something very short-termed and critical (like eating or peeing), or longer and critical (napping or well, more napping), I’m finding myself lacking usual motivation and concentration. Things that used to feel very urgent and important seem less so, but in a non-alarming way, at least. I was feeling so unproductive for a while there that I decided to keep a journal of what I’d actually accomplished each day as evidence that I was at least getting SOMETHING done. But then I decided that even that was a bit too much effort. (!)

As some things recede in importance in the rhythms of my day, other areas have gotten spotlighted in new ways. I suddenly find myself NEEDING to deep-clean the laundry room, or HAVING to get the furniture put together RIGHT NOW, or pitching old canned goods into a donation box with a fervor. I’d always heard about nesting, but actually experiencing it is a trip! We decided we needed to renovate the KITCHEN — right NOW — so we’re currently just hoping the cabinets will predate our other coming arrival and that the floors will go in smoothly, the appliances will arrive on time, etc. I’d always wondered why expectant parents do that — plan big house projects — but it’s a compulsion that’s tough to ignore. The urge to create a peaceful, functional environment before things change is a powerful one. Crazy, yes, but powerful. And hell, now we’ll have cork floors. Cool. !

The shift in how I’m thinking about music has been significant too. I find “the edge” that has always accompanied my ambition feels rounded off, which is a surprise (and positive thing). I imagined that I might feel an additional urgency or pressure with music when we decided to become parents, but it’s been a different experience. Maybe it’s some metaphysical thing — something that the baby him/herself is bringing to the mix — but if anything, I feel more secure, more relaxed that what I’m doing has meaning and relevance in the world, and that it’s all going to be alright. (Could this all be some fab response to new and different hormones? Sure! But still!)

Okay, this is a good example of my attention span (and inability to sit in one position for more than a half hour)…I feel like I have more to share about this, but it’s time to move on to a mid-morning nap. (Seriously — I often take ‘after breakfast naps’!).

Thanks for being here!

5 Things I’m Thankful For Today:
1. One month left until April 9th — our due date!
2. Tivo!
3. My nice lunch with Stephanie on Tuesday.
4. Good fiction books as a break from more ‘critical’ reading.
5. The wonderful women and friends who have helped us celebrate over the last months.

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