Confession: CHAOS

My life is a mess.   Okay.  I've said it.   Is a music/creativity blog the right place to let this spill out?  I'm not sure.  But the theme here is "Art, Passion, and Purpose," all of which are being heavily affected by the current tornado-like state of my life.   Ohhh honey.  There's a big old mess going on.  

Environmentally, mentally, emotionally, physically. . . everywhere I look, there is STUFF needing action, consideration, resolution.  It's like a paper monster has thrown up all over my life, leaving an angry trail of notes, receipts, crumpled-up kleenexes, grocery lists, prescriptions, Sundance tickets.  And then a machine akin to a tennis ball shooter follows right behind, haphazardly tossing toddler toys, plastic containers for recycling, stray potpourri pinecones, damp mittens, and half-coiled chargers for our many personal electronics.  I feel like I can't think straight;  even ideas and thoughts feel half-done, fragmented.  My digital life is neglected. . . I haven't posted on this blog in a ridiculously long time.  I'm tired, but can't sleep because of the backup of concerns, tasks, and ideas lined up in my head like planes on a runway.  I've had a cold for months, which has lately morphed into a post-nasal drip stage that tickles me into nightly coughing fits and begs me to keep my breathing shallow.  

In a fairly miraculous twist, relationships seem good.  I think.  Maybe they'd be even better after a major clearing and streamlining.   I know I'd be able to give them more thoughtful, undivided attention.  I'm certainly not doing that now.  'Cause the rest of my life feels like it's gone through a blender.   What. The. Hell. Is. Going. ON??

Why is there so much CHAOS?   Like Elizabeth Gilbert in "Eat  Pray Love," I wonder (paraphrasing here) if it's all stemming from a certain influence.   Is it hormonal?   Thyroidal?   Economic?  Chemical? Astrological?  Barometric??

Does this have something to do with my purpose in life, my path?  Am I transforming in some way?  Shedding a skin (all over the place, apparently)?  Preparing for a change or destiny I just can't see yet?  Could I be careening toward some kind of blessed rock-bottom of chaos, a place so hoard-tastic that NOT changing will feel even more uncomfortable than making difficult longterm changes?   

In a brief (wonderful) foray into talk therapy a few years ago, I learned that when an issue is heightened in one area of your life, it's usually present in other areas of your life, too.  And so here we are. Yes, indeed. I see it -- chaos, disarray, clutter -- everywhere. So what does it mean?

I can still see a glint of humor in the situation, which I guess is something.  Some alternate ideas for defining C.H.A.O.S. occur to me:    
 -- "Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome"  
     (thanks Marla Cilley, "The FlyLady,"  for this one)
 -- "Cardiac Hell At Overseeing Stuff"
 -- "Can Happiness Apply to Overworked Stiffs?" 
 -- "Creative Help At Once, Sister!"

But no.  Seriously though.  

Wait!  Maybe this is all totally normal.  Is "life disheveled" just a reality of trying to live a multi-faceted life with a three-and-a-half year old little explorer (or a few of them) in your midst?  Most of our parent friends seem to share our struggle.  At dinner parties, we nod vehemently to each other's New Year's resolutions to declutter.  We share reviews of the best books about paring down.  (My big recommendation lately:  "The Joy of Less" by Francine Jay.  It's great.)  I guess it's possible that it's just par for the course --  keeping order with young children around is a lost cause. Phyllis Diller said, "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."  Well said, Phyllis.  But isn't is also POSSIBLE to find a way to crawl out of the constant feeling of being rushed and buried by stuff and tasks?   All you Virgos seem to manage to do it!   (Dammit.)  

And to be really honest, none of these issues are new.  As a kid, my mom begged/bugged/bribed me to try to keep my room clean.  My habits caused riffs with college (and post-college) roommates.  Yes, I'm a little ADD, yes I'm busy, yes I'm thinking about a cool creative project that is more interesting than emptying the dishwasher.  But aren't we all?

What I want:  clean, clear, energized, complete, peaceful, warm, open to possibility.  A sanctuary.  A celebration of family, creativity, love and laughter.  To be calm, focused, lighthearted.  

I'm done with:  packed, heavy, crowded, tired, chaotic, old, overwhelmed.  Feeling like we're living in a storage unit.  A never-ending list of tasks, catching up, and putting off fun until later.  Feeling like my moods are running away with me.  Missing moments as I rush around.

   *                      *                      *

There are some good deals in real estate in Park City right now, and we've talked about moving.  And then we've talked about how we'd need to make major changes in the habits and rhythms of our lives in order to really enjoy a new home and keep it beautiful and clear.  It's awful to think about finally having wonderfully generous space and storage, and still not being able to maintain our lives in a semblance of order.  'Cause of course it's not the lack of closets or whatever that is keeping us from the environment we want to experience everyday.  It's us.  (Maybe just me. Ouch!)

There was one period in my life when I instituted a system of keeping things orderly -- and it ACTUALLY WORKED!  It was inspired by a dynamo/site called www.flylady.net. The system focuses on a series of daily maintenance tasks, plus attention to one dedicated zone per day, with an extra focus area for the week.  I found myself cheerfully creating a "Control Journal" for our home in which both daily maintenance and  occasional or seasonal tasks like "organize CD collection" and "put up outdoor curtains on deck" were planned and scheduled, not completed in a frantic freak-out in the fifteen minutes right before people arrived for dinner.   Check out flylady.net for more info;  I find the site hard to navigate, but I sense that it's because a bunch of other right-brained people designed it, probably in a flurry of non-linear creative enthusiasm.  In any case, it's worth the time exploring --  there's a ton of great information there, and lots of support.  

In any case, I'm going to resurrect the system.  I'm pulling out the Control Journal.  I'll share the journey back to sanity with you, including a downloadable copy of my binder pages, in case the lists I created for our life might apply to yours too.  Always one to enjoy the chart making / formatting / buying-of-the-containers more than the actual DOING of the organizing job at hand, my lists are extensive, detailed, and awesome (if I do say so myself).  

There have been times when I've been able to make some cool music, dive deeply into writing, and enjoy some great creative adventures, but at the moment, getting my house (and life) in order is where I'm focused.  Maybe you're a music-lover or artist or parent or delightful human being out there feeling the same kinds of pressures in YOUR life.   If so, join me.  Let's do this.  I know I've probably spent too much energy over the years trying to appear 'together.'   It's time to make some changes so that appearing gets bumped by BEING. 

Here's where I'm going to start tomorrow:
1) Drink water when I wake up and take vitamins.  (physical)
2) Calm down by breathing/sitting silently for ten minutes.  (emotional)
3) Put away every strewn shred of laundry. (environmental)
4) Keep a notepad with me to jot down everything I'm worried about forgetting or not getting done. (mental) [Lifecoaches would say to include "Tolerations" around me.  Might just do that.]


And for good measure, here are some things I'm thankful for today:
--That Nordstrom's no-problem return policy is so easy and classy
--That Daisy had a great time skiing today
--That Felice is feeling good and Baby B is rockin'
--That my book is finally available on Kindle 
--For the great messages left as comments on my last blog.  
   Sheila, thanks again.
--For an unfaltering wifi signal here at Coffee Connection on State St.
--For wonderful warm evenings with friends lately
--For how hard Mark laughs at www.damnyouautocorrect.com

Thanks for reading.  See you soon!


















5 comments

  • Linda Galindo

    Linda Galindo

    OK, so I guess this means you are on page "not started" with my book and that it is buried under one of those piles? Not to worry Mary Beth. I read your blog. And here is my experience. 90% of the journey is awareness, the other 10%, which is another 100%, is the day-to-day discipline you have decided to embrace. Give your self a big ol' hug and if you want to shake things up, and I mean SHAKE, join us for Zumba on Wednesday nights. Even better if you don't have time to do it and go anyway!

    OK, so I guess this means you are on page "not started" with my book and that it is buried under one of those piles? Not to worry Mary Beth. I read your blog. And here is my experience. 90% of the journey is awareness, the other 10%, which is another 100%, is the day-to-day discipline you have decided to embrace. Give your self a big ol' hug and if you want to shake things up, and I mean SHAKE, join us for Zumba on Wednesday nights. Even better if you don't have time to do it and go anyway!

  • mb

    mb

    No, Silly! I loved your book! It inspired me -- and reading/creating/thinking about inspiring things is where I spend ALL my time, instead of setting aside at least a bit for other important maintenance and growth. But as you mentioned, the day-to-day discipline is a big one. I'm feeling like I've been able to juggle up until now and keep the really critical stuff going, but now I'm at a point where the follow-through just can't happen without the proper foundation in place. Et voila! We begin. (And perhaps, if it's ever on a night other than Wednesdays -- my writing night --we ZUMBA!!) Thanks for your insight!

    No, Silly! I loved your book! It inspired me -- and reading/creating/thinking about inspiring things is where I spend ALL my time, instead of setting aside at least a bit for other important maintenance and growth. But as you mentioned, the day-to-day discipline is a big one. I'm feeling like I've been able to juggle up until now and keep the really critical stuff going, but now I'm at a point where the follow-through just can't happen without the proper foundation in place. Et voila! We begin. (And perhaps, if it's ever on a night other than Wednesdays -- my writing night --we ZUMBA!!) Thanks for your insight!

  • Melissa Axel

    Melissa Axel

    What an amazing, courageous, honest, and beautiful post! I popped by while thinking of you as we prepare for another Durango Songwriter's Expo and plan to drive through Utah en route. Thought I'd see if you were playing or chilling or whatnot … such a joy to feel this personal connection just by visiting your blog! We'll be playing a coffeeshop gig with Mary Tebbs in SLC Feb 19th and passing through a bit quickly, but if there's a chance we might cross paths it would be lovely to see you. If not, surely we can dig through our piles and find a time to chat online or phone. Lots of love and happy decluttering! :) xoxo Melissa

    What an amazing, courageous, honest, and beautiful post! I popped by while thinking of you as we prepare for another Durango Songwriter's Expo and plan to drive through Utah en route. Thought I'd see if you were playing or chilling or whatnot … such a joy to feel this personal connection just by visiting your blog! We'll be playing a coffeeshop gig with Mary Tebbs in SLC Feb 19th and passing through a bit quickly, but if there's a chance we might cross paths it would be lovely to see you. If not, surely we can dig through our piles and find a time to chat online or phone. Lots of love and happy decluttering! smile

    xoxo
    Melissa

  • Pat Kenny

    Pat Kenny USA

    [url=http://www.asiafitnesspk.com/]buy treadmill pakistan[/url]
  • Caleb Schardt

    Caleb Schardt

    Learning is b very important procedure of our lives as we also get with take of this chaos of confessions. Students get best works with learn of [url=http://www.thebestessayshelp.net/]best essays service[/url] skills from online professional writers of world that is very helpful option for them.

    Learning is b very important procedure of our lives as we also get with take of this chaos of confessions. Students get best works with learn of best essays service skills from online professional writers of world that is very helpful option for them.

Add comment

All content © 2018 Mary Beth Maziarz, Mystical Universe Music / Musaic Records. P.O. Box 4093, Park City UT 84060.  To book a show, email us HERE