Circle of Desire

Circle of Desire seems to be emerging as one of those songs that people either ” get” or they don’t, it’s a favorite or a mystery, and I think I’m okay with that. . . Melissa Manchester told me: “You had me at the pancakes…”, which was lovely to hear from such a beautiful writer. Yet an accomplished music publisher recently told me: “I’m not sure I get it…it seems kind of like the person doesn’t know what she wants.”

Maybe desire is like that.

Maybe sometimes desire is clear and strong and certain; we know the moment it knocks that this path is one we’re going to take. We recognize this journey as one that’s pulling us in, and we’re onboard for the long haul.

And yet sometimes desire is less focused. It seems to lead us around, dabbling in this, checking out that, exploring there and nibbling on this little thing here — the grand time waster. Maybe it drives us right up close to our dearest goals, and then has to duke it out with fear (or guilt or distraction) before it can nudge us that final few yards to fruition.

I wrote this song to explore the idea of conflicting desires … what a wonderful element of these times to have the choices most of us have, and yet how complicated it is to reconcile all the possibilities available to us. To travel, to form long meaningful friendships, to recognize the depth of one true love of your life, to be a nurturing parent, to be delightfully single, to have a loving, constant partner, to be crazy and irresponsible and light, to be richly productive and make lasting impacts on this world — these are but a wisp of the paths we can explore.

Do you have desires that conflict with each other? Do any areas of your lives seem to fight with each other? How do you manage those conflicts? How well does it work?

There is an artist part of me that is very “right now” and serves me well when inspiration stops by.  I hear the phrase for a cool line in a song and I’ll stop everything and write it down or go play the piano and figure out what it’s trying to tell me. But ole’ “Right Now” can be a pain in the neck, too. It wants to drop the mail wherever it may land as soon as I come in the door, to leave Starbucks cups and empty water bottles and advertising flyers in my car until there’s barely room for me — let alone a passenger, to wait and wait and wait until I finally recognize the critical mass of a situation before I address it. Right Now doesn’t like maintenance, and discipline; things like working out everyday, eating healthfully meal by meal, changing the car’s oil or brake pads at regular intervals. And it costs me later. (Sometimes, as the good people of Jiffy Lube and Midas could tell you from my visits this weekend, in very literal ways. ) ‘Right now’ versus ‘bit by bit’…(or “Bird by Bird” as Anne Lamotte would say). These two argue in me.

It’s been pretty constant travel for the last couple months. Home in Illinois, a quick trip to New York for a wedding, Toronto, in Chicago again for a school reunion, then music stuff in Durango, CO. Some interesting things while on the road– like Race Car Driving Camp, which rocked — and less interesting things upon returning, like the need-to-be-laundered clothing explosion that is carpeting most of the house as we head out on another trip without fully catching up. I did at least get to the dishes, which were starting to look like an abstract sculpture/very suspenseful drinking game. When I’m in Utah for long stretches (which almost never happens anymore, but…) I get wistful for new sights and sounds and tastes and ideas. Yet when I’m gone so much, there is almost nothing I crave more than the familiarity and comfort of being here in the mountains, in Park City’s casual, laid back, recreational vibe. I can step out the door and go for a hike; grab my cross country gear out of the car and go out to the track for an hour; I can see ten people I know at the Post Office and chat for twenty minutes while getting the mail; I could go to the grocery store in my pajama bottoms and no one would look twice. (I don’t — but I COULD.) Home and away… different conflicts.

There’s a quote that stays with me, and I wish I knew who said it — let me know if one of you knows this — it goes: “You can have every single thing you might want in life. But you might not be able to have it all at the same time.” Sometimes this idea is frustrating to me, but most of the time it’s comforting. Maybe I don’t need to be the best lover, friend, parent, sister, artist, businesswoman, housekeeper, BLOG keeper!, athlete, visionary, mentor, traveler, daughter… ALL THE TIME. Maybe I can work really hard to do the best I can in the areas that are calling me and asking my attention right now. Maybe the Circle of Desire is about flowing from one desire and energy to another with grace, and respect for oneself.

And maybe it’s about other things too…. Please tell me what YOU think.

5 Things I’m Thankful For Today:
1. Good loose-leaf tea
2. Yin Chuau (sp?) and Garden of Life vitamins for helping my body stay healthy
3. My Mom for being understanding about the November show
4. The cool people I’m going to see in SD and LA next week (The Perrys, Rhonda & Peter, Don, Felice, Heather, Karin, Glenn, Debbie, & more)
5. The amazing emails and notes I’ve been receiving from people who are connecting with “Wish”

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    All content © 2018 Mary Beth Maziarz, Mystical Universe Music / Musaic Records. P.O. Box 4093, Park City UT 84060.  To book a show, email us HERE